Filed under: Uncategorized
Dear Diary,
>
>For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a week
>of personal training at the local health club for me.
>Although I am still in great shape since playing football 20 yrs ago, I
>decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.
>
>Called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer named
>Vanessa, who identified herself as a 24 yr old aerobics instructor and
>Model for athletic clothing and swimwear. My wife seemed pleased with
>my enthusiasm to get started! The club
>
>encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
>
>MONDAY: Started my day at 6:00 am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was
>well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Vanessa waiting
>for me. She was something of a Greek goddess with blonde hair, dancing
>eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!!!! Vanessa gave me a tour
>and showed me the machines. She took my pulse after 5 minutes on the
>treadmill. She was alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I attributed
>it to standing next to her in her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed
>watching the skilful way in which she conducted her aerobics class
>after my workout today. Very inspiring, Vanessa was encouraging as I
>did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in
>the whole time she was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!
>
>
>TUESDAY: I drank
>a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out of the door. Vanessa
>made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air, and then
>she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill,
>but I made the full mile.
>Vanessa’s rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT!!
>It’s a whole new life for me.
>
>
>WEDNESDAY: The only way I can brush my teeth is by lying on the
>toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it.
>I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as
>I didn’t try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club
>parking lot. Vanessa was impatient with me, insisting that my screams
>bothered other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for early
>in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is
>VERY annoying. My chest hurts when I got on the treadmill, so Vanessa
>put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine
>to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Vanessa told me
>it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other shit
>too.
>
>
>THURSDAY: Vanessa was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth
>exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl.
>I couldn’t help being a half an hour late; it took me that long to tie
>my shoes. Vanessa took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not
>looking, I ran and hid in the men’s room. She sent Lars to find me,
>then, as punishment, put me on the rowing machine – which
>I
>sank.
>
>
>FRIDAY: I hate that bitch Vanessa more than any human being has ever
>hated any other human being in the history of the world.
>Stupid, skinny, anemic little
>cheerleader. If there were a part
>of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with
>it. Vanessa wanted me to work on my triceps, I don’t have any triceps!
>And if you don’t want dents in the floor, don’t hand me the F***NG
>Barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich. The treadmill
>flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why
>couldn’t it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir
>director?
>
>
>SATURDAY: Vanessa left a message on my answering machine in her
>grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today.
>Just hearing her made me want to smash the machine with my planner.
>However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up
>catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.
>
>
>SUNDAY: I’m having the Church van pick me up for services today so I
>can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next
>year, my wife (the bitch), will choose a gift for me that is fun
>– like a root canal or a vasectomy .
